You know how when you are a new mom, you just assume that some of your child’s behaviors are a result of your parenting? Or that the oddities you see are just fine because they will grow out of them? Or that maybe that your child is just stubborn and not wanting to obey? And you just explain away signs of a problem because you can deal with it and it’s not such a big deal?
Well, all of these things applied to me as a young mom. I had a couple of well-meaning friends suggest different parenting techniques that could help. It wasn’t until my second son started walking and talking and doing “normal” things that I realized that our older son maybe had some issues.
Our oldest passed his milestones at the doctor’s office so I wasn’t too worried. While some were a little late (walking at 17 months), some of his milestones were way earlier than other children (knowing teal and magenta by three years old). His speech came a little late, but by 4, he was reading board books and by 4 ½, he was reading full Dr. Seuss books with ease! I just thought he was a genius and could only work on one thing at a time (physical came late while intelligence came early).
I really didn’t know that autism would be a diagnosis that would ever belong to my son. My best friend’s nephew was autistic and only ate certain foods and was non-verbal. That’s what I thought autism looked like. I had seen Rain Man. That’s what I thought autism looked like.
How could my relative normal son (quirks and all) really be autistic? Sure, he could hyper focus, sure, he was low muscle tone, sure, he didn’t seem to care about having many friends, sure, he had a major meltdown in a restaurant because of how his pasta was cut, but autism, really?
We were called to homeschool back when he was 4, so although he was with other children his own age at Sunday school and at co-op, he didn’t have to do too much peer socializing. He didn’t have to keep up with his peers physically and he didn’t have to be held back intellectually. Don’t get me wrong, we were not isolationists, far from it! We were always on the go which was probably stressful for him, but also, it did push him socially but not constantly like it would have been in a school setting.
Looking back, I am pretty sure that some therapies would have helped him and some support from other parents in the same situation would have been helpful for me, but hindsight is 20/20 and we cannot change it now. In a way, it was somewhat good for him to have to work things out on his own and for us to find ways to manage his quirks, oddities and struggles together.
One of the most difficult things that he has had to deal with is employment. Just thinking about his struggle brings tears to my eyes. It was so painful to watch him be rejected over and over. I just wanted to explain to the prospective employers what a great employee he would be, but I am the mom and that is just not appropriate. I truly didn’t come to grips with the fact that he had ASD (autism spectrum disorder) while he was going through the employment struggles. It didn’t dawn on me that others didn’t see him and his abilities like I did. They only saw his disability in the form of social awkwardness and his nonconforming appearance and his inability to answer the questions “correctly” on the computerized applications.
His struggles are not over, but he has been employed full time for a few years now and does catering on the side. He is also in the process of applying for a trade where he would get on the job training. He makes changes slowly and although his ultimate goal is to be a voice actor or a translator, he cannot seem to put himself out there and walk away from the safe jobs and guaranteed money (sounds like a lot of young men though, doesn’t it?).
I could write about so many things I have learned over the past 23 years, but what I want to do is give other parents hope and to use what I have learned to help many other young adults navigate the mine fields in the employment journey when they have ASD.